Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.