Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?