Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
You Might Also Like
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
umm…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”