DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you