I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.