95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen