If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
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*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Good point.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight