I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
You Might Also Like
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
catch me on valentine’s day like
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.