cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
When he asks for feet pics
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.