I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong