You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Still a very good boi….
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’