Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.