How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned