Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
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I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland