my friends when i can’t do basic math
You Might Also Like
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I love the National Park Service.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.