Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.