Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
You Might Also Like
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.