ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Beware of the dog..
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks