For the ones in the back.
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I’m having an out of money experience.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!