In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Oceanography is all about current events
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.