As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.