Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”