My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi