My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.