Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.