teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Thursday Thought.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.