My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.