Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
All generalizations are stupid.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.