no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
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My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
What my back needs
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs