I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
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Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.