my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand