*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.