On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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😩😩😩
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
mood
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Y’all ready for this
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug