Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake