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Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.