What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.