Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.