him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.