First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*