[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
How actors in movies eat their food
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?