My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
You Might Also Like
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Breaking news:
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My Plans 2020
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My beach vacation Google searches
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT