Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”