Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
You Might Also Like
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.