I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
That earthquake could have been an email.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?