I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”