Google assistant rules
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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
peep davidson
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I don’t think my car can fly
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us