Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”