6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.