3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON