Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Double negatives are never not confusing.